“I AM WILLING”

It was interesting looking at my heart like a long hallway with lots of rooms. Following Jesus as He walked past rooms on both the left and right was unnerving simply because I had no idea what dark moment we might revisit. At last He stopped at a door with a brass plaque and emblazoned on it was the word “Tongue.”

For months I had been struggling with how awful my tongue was and how poorly I treated people with it and so at the moment I felt a sort of hope that it might finally be addressed by my King. He opened up the door and inside was a terrible moment in my life. My father hurting my mother and then telling me he hated me.

For the longest time I held on to such fear and anger because of how deeply this moment had wounded me. I saw myself becoming a leper and crawling toward Jesus … helpless, with my hands stretched out knowing He was able to heal me if He wanted too.

I just looked at Him and said “Lord if you are willing” and I hung my head hoping that He would heal me. I pictured Him smiling at me and reaching out with both hands and touching my face to look me in the eye, and He said “I am willing.” And as the dark moment from my past was swirling around me … all I saw was Jesus lifting me into His lap and rocking me as I cried.

He whispered things to me. Things like … “I never look at you with anger,” which only made me cry more because for so long I had believed that He, on a regular basis, was angry with me. He said “I will always be gentle with you” which only caused me to continue to weep because I had always thought of Him as a harsh judgmental father waiting to punish me.

He called me “His precious child” and that I was “fearfully and wonderfully made.” This caused me to sob because I did not think I was special or precious to Him, but simply an inconvenience. All at once, as He whispered these simple truths to me, I found that I was being healed and that the chains that held me in this room for so long were falling off … and I was able to live in freedom.

He has done it again; He has healed me in an area that I thought I would never get healing in. I love Him, I love Him, I love Him.  – Journaled by JH.

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